November is here :)
Some might welcome it with a smile, some might not.
Me, I'm just welcoming it.
Not smiling, but not pouting.
Just. Welcoming. It.
But one thing's for sure, we're two months away from ending 2009.
BLOODY FUCK !
haha.
Another year is about to end soon !
We'll be passing by another 365 days. Again.
My goodness.
Dibandingkan dengan postingan saya yang sebelumnya, sekarang ini saya ngerasa sedikit lebih baik. Sedikit punya semangat. Dan, sedikit merasa yakin kalo saya bisa mengakhiri tahun ini dengan baik. Tapi , tetep, saya gak berani terlalu berharap banyak juga. Cuma, ya itu, semangat saya lebih tinggi dari sebelumnya.
Saya cuma berharap ,tahun ini, saya bisa wisuda.
Saya cuma berharap, sebelum tanggal 7 November -- paling lama 10 November -- semua urusan kuliah udah bisa diselesaikan.
Saya cuma berharap bisa ngedaftar sidang dan , kali ini, beneran IKUT sidang.
Saya cuma berharap bulan Desember ini bisa wisuda.
Itu aja.
Hati kecil saya bilang, saya bisa.
Tapi, terkadang ia salah.
Sering,malahan.
haha.
Tapi,mudah mudahan, tidak kali ini.
Ini demi orang tua saya. Kalau ditanya ke saya sih, gelar akademis itu ada di urutan ke sekian. Saya gak terlalu pusing soal itu. Apalagi,saya cukup sadar, setelah lulus, akan ada satu tuntutan baru, yaitu : MENIKAH.
ROTFL.
Saya gak sabar nunggu hari Senin. Pengen ke kampus. 'Nyelesein ini - itu. Di satu sisi, saya luar biasa takut menghadapi akhir dari minggu depan. Tapi di sisi lain,saya ngerasa siap untuk berjuang sekuat tenaga.
Mudah mudahan , kali ini Tuhan membantu ya ?
:)
Saya kangen ngumpul sama temen temen. Ngopi bareng Betmen. Main di rumah Lisa bareng anaknya, Baby C. Ngobrol sama Asep tanpa harus ngeluh ini itu soal kuliah * saya pengen jadi orang yang ngasih semangat ke dia *. Saya kangen motret tanpa ngerasa punya beban berat (banget!). Saya pengen ngejenguk Nancy dan Baby Sofia dan ngobrol banyak sama Nancy * udah hampir setahun kita gak ngobrol ,Nan :( Ironis,meningat kita tinggal 1 kota. Maaf ya, aku sedang menjadi sahabat yang kurang baik :( :( :( *
Saya pengen cepet lepas dari beban ini.
Tapi satu hal yang saya syukuri adalah teman teman yang luar biasa. Baik yang ada disini, atau yang jauh. Yang belum pernah saya jumpai langsung. Saya selalu diberkahi teman teman yang luar biasa :)
And I hope, you'll all pray for me.
If you don't pray, at least I hope you'll wish me luck ?
Thank you.
And I hope your November will be meaningful too,yeah ?
PS : I've been missing Peter like crazy,lately. I mean, CRAZYYY !! :(
* sigh *
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
Untuk kali ini saja,Tuhan...
Dari sejak akhir tahun lalu, saya merasa hidup ini berantakan. Hidup saya,pastinya. Semua impian yang dijaga sejak lama, mendadak berantakan. Semua keinginan yang dipegang erat, lepas lalu hancur. Cinta -- yeap, the great big ol' LOVE -- yang saya yakini tak akan pernah saya rasakan lagi, ternyata masih saya temukan. Tapi,tunggu -- itu bukan endingnya. Delapan tahun menunggu cinta yang baru, ketika ia datang, 3 bulan kemudian, dia menghilang.
Sebelum itu semua, saya udah ngelewatin banyak hal lain yang gak terlalu enak untuk diingat. Tapi, masih bisa saya lewati. Karena waktu itu,saya masih muda. Masih punya banyak tenaga. Masih belum terlalu berfikir panjang. Yang saya tau hanyalah, whatever gets in my way, I'll run them over and get through it. Saya gak perduli apakah itu akan nyakitin saya, ngelukain jiwa , atau apalah. I don't care how much damaged it has done to me. Yang penting saya bisa melewatinya.
An abusive boyfriend that raped me.
A father with constant affairs that I still can't hate based on what he had done.
A mother who - most of the times - wish I was like my older brother rather than myself.
An older brother who always uses my flaws to make him look better.
Oh,please don't feel sorry for me.
Pity is the last thing I'm willing to accept.
Dan saya gak akan meng-klaim kalau penghargaan untuk " Orang Paling Menderita Sedunia " itu adalah milik saya.
Karena saya cukup sadar , saya BUKAN yang paling menderita.
Tapi,saat ini, saya hanya ingin menulis.
Dan,seperti yang saya bilang di posting sebelumnya, susah untuk mengeluh tanpa terkesan tidak bersyukur.
Tahun ini,saya mulai merasa defisit tenaga. Dan luka - luka yang - tadinya - saya pikir sudah "mengering" , ternyata belum. Banyak sekali yang belum. BANYAK sekali.
Semua jadi terasa menakutkan buat saya.
Hari ini,semua terasa datar. Saya mulai terbiasa melewati hari - hari tanpa harapan yang berarti. Lebih aman rasanya. Saya mulai merasa buntu (lagi) untuk urusan kuliah. Mulai merasa lelah menjelaskan kepada orang tua. Mulai merasa tak berguna karena selalu merepotkan. Hari ini, bernafas pun terasa berat.
Pulang ke rumah,si mama nanyain hal yang sama, " Udah ketemu Dekan belum ? " Dan jawaban saya masih sama,"Belum."
Setelah itu,masuk kamar. Tiduran sambil nahan air mata. I fell asleep for a few minutes. Waktu denger pintu kamar dibuka, kebangun dan ngehapus air mata. Cukup yakin kalo si mama gak ngeliat itu. Tiba tiba dia bilang,
" Banyak berdoa ya, inang.. Biar dikasih jalan keluar sama Tuhan "
Saya jawab,
" Udah.......... "
Mama megang kepala saya ( sesuatu yang AMAT SANGAT jarang dia lakukan ),
" Jangan nyerah ya... " dan Mama keluar dari kamar.
.....
Saya nangis lagi.
Gak berapa lama, si Papa pulang. Saya gak tau lagi harus jelasin apa ke beliau. Saya pura - pura mandi,biar gak langsung ditanyain. Saya nangis lagi di kamar mandi. Sempet bawa pisau silet ke kamar mandi. But I didn't use it. I just cried.
Keluar dari kamar mandi, saya denger si Papa ngomong di telfon. Sepertinya sama temennya yang bakal bantuin saya keluar dari masalah ini.
" Iya iya...kalo dia gak selesai bulan 12 ini, takutnya nanti dia.... *terdiam* Ini udah macam orang stress dia "
Saya nangis lagi di kamar.
Waktu denger langkah kaki si Mama ke arah kamar, saya menjauh dari pintu. Pura - pura berdiri di depan kaca.
Dia ngajak ke teras. Duduk bertiga sama Papa.
" Jangan jadi stress kau ya,inang " kata si Mama. Saya cuma bisa ngangguk. Kalo ngomong, pasti saya nangis.
" Gak boleh nyerah. Jadi orang itu harus kuat. Anggap ini cobaan untuk kau supaya bisa jadi orang yang lebih baik " kata Papa. " Gak boleh stress. Ini pasti bisa dilewatin. Harus gigih berusaha tapi tetap punya harga diri. Ya ? "
Saya gak tahan, akhirnya nangis lagi. " Unang marsak ho da inang ( jangan sedih kau ya,anak perempuanku.. ) " kata Mama dengan nada suara yang bergetar. " Molo marsak ho, marsak ma au..(kalau kau sedih, aku juga sedih ) " dia nyentuh punggung tangan saya.
Mendadak saya teringat sayatan sayatan di tangan ini. Saya teringat keinginan saya untuk menyerah dan "cabut" dari dunia ini. Mendadak saya merasa AMAT SANGAT bersalah.
Saya gak tau sampai kapan rasa bersalah ini bisa bertahan. Tapi, sekarang, saya sadar, saya belum melakukan apa apa untuk mereka. Dan itu - sebenarnya - salah satu alasan utama kenapa saya ingin menyerah. Karena saya tau,saya gak akan bisa ngebahagiain mereka. Ngebuat mereka bangga sama saya.
I will never overcome my older brother's shadow.
Kalau ini semua berhasil saya lewati nanti, saya mau minta maaf sama Mama.
Selama ini hanya bisa merepotkan.
Saya mau lebih berusaha lagi untuk bisa Mama bangga.
Bangga pada anak perempuanmu satu satunya ini.
Saya mau coba dengan berusaha bangun lebih pagi lagi *hehe*
Janji,Ma.. aku akan berusaha.
Tuhan,tolong beri aku titik terang besok.
Pasrahku ada di tanganMu.
Untuk kali ini saja, tolong jangan acuhkan aku.
Ku mohon,Tuhan.
" Tuhan pasti menunjukkan kebesaran dan kuasaNya.. Bagi hambanya yang sabar,dan tak kenal putus asa " D'Masiv.
Sebelum itu semua, saya udah ngelewatin banyak hal lain yang gak terlalu enak untuk diingat. Tapi, masih bisa saya lewati. Karena waktu itu,saya masih muda. Masih punya banyak tenaga. Masih belum terlalu berfikir panjang. Yang saya tau hanyalah, whatever gets in my way, I'll run them over and get through it. Saya gak perduli apakah itu akan nyakitin saya, ngelukain jiwa , atau apalah. I don't care how much damaged it has done to me. Yang penting saya bisa melewatinya.
An abusive boyfriend that raped me.
A father with constant affairs that I still can't hate based on what he had done.
A mother who - most of the times - wish I was like my older brother rather than myself.
An older brother who always uses my flaws to make him look better.
Oh,please don't feel sorry for me.
Pity is the last thing I'm willing to accept.
Dan saya gak akan meng-klaim kalau penghargaan untuk " Orang Paling Menderita Sedunia " itu adalah milik saya.
Karena saya cukup sadar , saya BUKAN yang paling menderita.
Tapi,saat ini, saya hanya ingin menulis.
Dan,seperti yang saya bilang di posting sebelumnya, susah untuk mengeluh tanpa terkesan tidak bersyukur.
Tahun ini,saya mulai merasa defisit tenaga. Dan luka - luka yang - tadinya - saya pikir sudah "mengering" , ternyata belum. Banyak sekali yang belum. BANYAK sekali.
Semua jadi terasa menakutkan buat saya.
Hari ini,semua terasa datar. Saya mulai terbiasa melewati hari - hari tanpa harapan yang berarti. Lebih aman rasanya. Saya mulai merasa buntu (lagi) untuk urusan kuliah. Mulai merasa lelah menjelaskan kepada orang tua. Mulai merasa tak berguna karena selalu merepotkan. Hari ini, bernafas pun terasa berat.
Pulang ke rumah,si mama nanyain hal yang sama, " Udah ketemu Dekan belum ? " Dan jawaban saya masih sama,"Belum."
Setelah itu,masuk kamar. Tiduran sambil nahan air mata. I fell asleep for a few minutes. Waktu denger pintu kamar dibuka, kebangun dan ngehapus air mata. Cukup yakin kalo si mama gak ngeliat itu. Tiba tiba dia bilang,
" Banyak berdoa ya, inang.. Biar dikasih jalan keluar sama Tuhan "
Saya jawab,
" Udah.......... "
Mama megang kepala saya ( sesuatu yang AMAT SANGAT jarang dia lakukan ),
" Jangan nyerah ya... " dan Mama keluar dari kamar.
.....
Saya nangis lagi.
Gak berapa lama, si Papa pulang. Saya gak tau lagi harus jelasin apa ke beliau. Saya pura - pura mandi,biar gak langsung ditanyain. Saya nangis lagi di kamar mandi. Sempet bawa pisau silet ke kamar mandi. But I didn't use it. I just cried.
Keluar dari kamar mandi, saya denger si Papa ngomong di telfon. Sepertinya sama temennya yang bakal bantuin saya keluar dari masalah ini.
" Iya iya...kalo dia gak selesai bulan 12 ini, takutnya nanti dia.... *terdiam* Ini udah macam orang stress dia "
Saya nangis lagi di kamar.
Waktu denger langkah kaki si Mama ke arah kamar, saya menjauh dari pintu. Pura - pura berdiri di depan kaca.
Dia ngajak ke teras. Duduk bertiga sama Papa.
" Jangan jadi stress kau ya,inang " kata si Mama. Saya cuma bisa ngangguk. Kalo ngomong, pasti saya nangis.
" Gak boleh nyerah. Jadi orang itu harus kuat. Anggap ini cobaan untuk kau supaya bisa jadi orang yang lebih baik " kata Papa. " Gak boleh stress. Ini pasti bisa dilewatin. Harus gigih berusaha tapi tetap punya harga diri. Ya ? "
Saya gak tahan, akhirnya nangis lagi. " Unang marsak ho da inang ( jangan sedih kau ya,anak perempuanku.. ) " kata Mama dengan nada suara yang bergetar. " Molo marsak ho, marsak ma au..(kalau kau sedih, aku juga sedih ) " dia nyentuh punggung tangan saya.
Mendadak saya teringat sayatan sayatan di tangan ini. Saya teringat keinginan saya untuk menyerah dan "cabut" dari dunia ini. Mendadak saya merasa AMAT SANGAT bersalah.
Saya gak tau sampai kapan rasa bersalah ini bisa bertahan. Tapi, sekarang, saya sadar, saya belum melakukan apa apa untuk mereka. Dan itu - sebenarnya - salah satu alasan utama kenapa saya ingin menyerah. Karena saya tau,saya gak akan bisa ngebahagiain mereka. Ngebuat mereka bangga sama saya.
I will never overcome my older brother's shadow.
Kalau ini semua berhasil saya lewati nanti, saya mau minta maaf sama Mama.
Selama ini hanya bisa merepotkan.
Saya mau lebih berusaha lagi untuk bisa Mama bangga.
Bangga pada anak perempuanmu satu satunya ini.
Saya mau coba dengan berusaha bangun lebih pagi lagi *hehe*
Janji,Ma.. aku akan berusaha.
Tuhan,tolong beri aku titik terang besok.
Pasrahku ada di tanganMu.
Untuk kali ini saja, tolong jangan acuhkan aku.
Ku mohon,Tuhan.
" Tuhan pasti menunjukkan kebesaran dan kuasaNya.. Bagi hambanya yang sabar,dan tak kenal putus asa " D'Masiv.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Details in the Fabric.
Hey there.
Fancy my new header ?
HEHE.
I believe writing is a therapy. And I will have my therapy session through this post.
I must warn you,it might get VERY boring.
--------------- cut here ------------------------
Malam ini,gak tau kenapa, saya merasa pasrah sama banyak hal. Mungkin karena udah terlalu capek berusaha. Iya,saya tau, katanya kita gak pernah boleh capek berusaha. Mungkin yang ngomong itu adalah manusia titisan dewa yang bukan 19 . Tapi kalau saya, saya masih 100 % manusia. Saya PASTI akan merasa capek. Saya PASTI punya batasan untuk apa pun itu dalam hidup.
Malam ini, setelah ngomongin soal kuliah sama orangtua, saya pasrah.
Pasrah kalau dianggap mengecewakan lagi.
Pasrah kalau dianggap cuma bisa bikin malu keluarga.
Pasrah kalau dianggap nyusahin.
Pasrah.
FYI, saya bukan bodoh lho. Hehe.
Jurusan saya Sastra Inggris.
At times, I think, I teach a couple of lecturers myself.
Yes,I'm a snob.
So ?
Kepintaran saya mungkin tidak bisa diukur dari sisi akademis, tapi saya menolak dibilang bodoh.
Kembali ke pasrah.
Sulit rasanya membicarakan hal - hal yang kurang mengenakkan dalam hidup,tanpa harus terdengar seperti orang yang TIDAK bersyukur.
Saya sering dibilang orang yang tidak bersyukur.
Padahal, saya bukan seperti itu :)
Saya cuma orang yang mulai kehabisan tenaga.
Mulai merasa tidak bisa mengerti apa yang dunia ( dan Tuhan ) mau dari saya.
Mulai ( cukup sering ) merasa kesepian.
Mulai tidak bisa menangis.
Mulai terseok menjalani hidup yang bukan keinginan diri sendiri.
Mulai lelah mencari.
Mulai lelah mengerti.
Mulai lelah...............................................
Lalu pasrah.
Saya sering dicap sebagai orang yang menyedihkan.
Apatis.
Sinis.
Sarkastis.
Atheis * HAHA *
Terserahlah.
Apapun itu.
Saya adalah saya.
Dan malam ini, jagad raya mempertemukan saya dengan Dilla.
We've chatted a couple of times,tapi obrolan kali ini benar benar membuat saya merasa tidak sendiri.
Tapi,sekaligus membuat saya merasa sedih.
[ Dear Dilla, remember what I said, this is what we've got to go through before being a much greater person in the future. I know how you feel - what you're going through, and just by that, I'll say, I love you,little one.
You can always talk to me yeah ? :) ]
Cuma, ya itu, saya mulai susah nangis.
Yang ada cuma rasa sesak sekarang.
Itu dan rasa merinding karena sambil dengerin Details in the Fabric - nya Jason Mraz.
The song that I listened repeatedly the last time I attempted suicide.
Yes,I'm suicidal. I'm emo. What'fucking'ever
Hidup saya sekarang,jauh dari yang saya harapkan dan impikan dulu.
JAUH sekali.
Dan seiring waktu, tenaga mulai terasa habis untuk mencoba memperbaiki.
Yang saya tau hanyalah, " I'm a failure "
Yang saya ingat hanyalah, " Kau anak yang gak berguna "
Yang - mungkin - selamanya gak bisa saya terima hanyalah,
Pete (20/09/2008 23:54:23) no other reason than that - i'm just not strong enough.
Pete (20/09/2008 23:54:52) i'm just not strong enough unee. i know i'm not.
Judge me for being weak.
Judge me for being whatever or whomever I'm not.
But before you do,I'll remind you that there's a different between " knowing the story " and " living the story ".
.still waiting for me to cry.
Fancy my new header ?
HEHE.
I believe writing is a therapy. And I will have my therapy session through this post.
I must warn you,it might get VERY boring.
--------------- cut here ------------------------
Malam ini,gak tau kenapa, saya merasa pasrah sama banyak hal. Mungkin karena udah terlalu capek berusaha. Iya,saya tau, katanya kita gak pernah boleh capek berusaha. Mungkin yang ngomong itu adalah manusia titisan dewa
Malam ini, setelah ngomongin soal kuliah sama orangtua, saya pasrah.
Pasrah kalau dianggap mengecewakan lagi.
Pasrah kalau dianggap cuma bisa bikin malu keluarga.
Pasrah kalau dianggap nyusahin.
Pasrah.
FYI, saya bukan bodoh lho. Hehe.
Jurusan saya Sastra Inggris.
At times, I think, I teach a couple of lecturers myself.
Yes,I'm a snob.
So ?
Kepintaran saya mungkin tidak bisa diukur dari sisi akademis, tapi saya menolak dibilang bodoh.
Kembali ke pasrah.
Sulit rasanya membicarakan hal - hal yang kurang mengenakkan dalam hidup,tanpa harus terdengar seperti orang yang TIDAK bersyukur.
Saya sering dibilang orang yang tidak bersyukur.
Padahal, saya bukan seperti itu :)
Saya cuma orang yang mulai kehabisan tenaga.
Mulai merasa tidak bisa mengerti apa yang dunia ( dan Tuhan ) mau dari saya.
Mulai ( cukup sering ) merasa kesepian.
Mulai tidak bisa menangis.
Mulai terseok menjalani hidup yang bukan keinginan diri sendiri.
Mulai lelah mencari.
Mulai lelah mengerti.
Mulai lelah...............................................
Lalu pasrah.
Saya sering dicap sebagai orang yang menyedihkan.
Apatis.
Sinis.
Sarkastis.
Atheis * HAHA *
Terserahlah.
Apapun itu.
Saya adalah saya.
Dan malam ini, jagad raya mempertemukan saya dengan Dilla.
We've chatted a couple of times,tapi obrolan kali ini benar benar membuat saya merasa tidak sendiri.
Tapi,sekaligus membuat saya merasa sedih.
[ Dear Dilla, remember what I said, this is what we've got to go through before being a much greater person in the future. I know how you feel - what you're going through, and just by that, I'll say, I love you,little one.
You can always talk to me yeah ? :) ]
Cuma, ya itu, saya mulai susah nangis.
Yang ada cuma rasa sesak sekarang.
Itu dan rasa merinding karena sambil dengerin Details in the Fabric - nya Jason Mraz.
The song that I listened repeatedly the last time I attempted suicide.
Yes,I'm suicidal. I'm emo. What'fucking'ever
Hidup saya sekarang,jauh dari yang saya harapkan dan impikan dulu.
JAUH sekali.
Dan seiring waktu, tenaga mulai terasa habis untuk mencoba memperbaiki.
Yang saya tau hanyalah, " I'm a failure "
Yang saya ingat hanyalah, " Kau anak yang gak berguna "
Yang - mungkin - selamanya gak bisa saya terima hanyalah,
Pete (20/09/2008 23:54:23) no other reason than that - i'm just not strong enough.
Pete (20/09/2008 23:54:52) i'm just not strong enough unee. i know i'm not.
Judge me for being weak.
Judge me for being whatever or whomever I'm not.
But before you do,I'll remind you that there's a different between " knowing the story " and " living the story ".
Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling all your threads saying
Breaking yourself up
If it's a broken part, replace it
But, if it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it
And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your own name
And go your own way
And everything will be fine
Everything will be fine
Mmmhmm
Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything
Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?
Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.
Yeah everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything
-- Details in the Fabric --
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling all your threads saying
Breaking yourself up
If it's a broken part, replace it
But, if it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it
And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your own name
And go your own way
And everything will be fine
Everything will be fine
Mmmhmm
Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything
Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?
Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.
Yeah everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything
-- Details in the Fabric --
.still waiting for me to cry.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Wishing Wishes.
I wish, I was stronger.
I wish, I was stronger tonight.
I wish, I could do something else,other than smoking my cigarettes while wiping the tears off of my face.
I wish, I could tell everything in a story I could understand.
So, at least, I could try to figure out where did it went wrong : was it the distance between us or the feelings ?
Maybe, just maybe, than it would be easier for me to let go.
I wish I never fell in love with you,Peter.
Goodbyes wouldn't be so suffocating.
And memories wouldn't be so heart wrenching.
I wish, I could find a way to move these feet of mine.
Like you did with yours.
Stepping away from the past. Our past.
I wish, it wasn't Sting's Shape of My Heart that I'm listening at the moment.
Simply because you gave that song for me in the time where I finally believe I'm worth of something.
To someone.
I wish, I could stop living in my own imagination and expectation.
Crumbs of hope that ,one day, things will be back the way it used to.
The wind of impossibilities has blown those crumbs away.
I wish, I could be smarter and find the switch to make everything stop.
Another switch to erase everything that goes with it.
Back to plain old numbed sheet of heart.
I wish, it wasn't her that is making you smile now.
Because that was MY job.
I'm still waiting to get it back.
I wish, I didn't feel as dumb as I'm feeling right now.
Because you were the smartest thing that ever happened to me.
The most beautiful one as well.
I wish it didn't hurt this much.
I swear to God, I wish it didn't.
I swear, I really wish it didn't ,Pete.
[ The day I decided to check on my MySpace account and then off to yours - since that's the only "place" where you haven't deleted me from - and one click lead to another, I found : 2 of your Twitter accounts and a new personal blog of yours. And, I think , those were the things inside of my Pandora Box. I suddenly know what you've been up to through all these days of dead communication between us.The eating,the golfing,the hanging out with the friends thing. And ----- the you who is now, in a relationship. Per July 11th 2009. Those words above, aren't even half of what I'm feeling right now,Pete. Probably because, I'm not allowed to feel anything anyway. ]
I wish, I was stronger tonight.
I wish, I could do something else,other than smoking my cigarettes while wiping the tears off of my face.
I wish, I could tell everything in a story I could understand.
So, at least, I could try to figure out where did it went wrong : was it the distance between us or the feelings ?
Maybe, just maybe, than it would be easier for me to let go.
I wish I never fell in love with you,Peter.
Goodbyes wouldn't be so suffocating.
And memories wouldn't be so heart wrenching.
I wish, I could find a way to move these feet of mine.
Like you did with yours.
Stepping away from the past. Our past.
I wish, it wasn't Sting's Shape of My Heart that I'm listening at the moment.
Simply because you gave that song for me in the time where I finally believe I'm worth of something.
To someone.
I wish, I could stop living in my own imagination and expectation.
Crumbs of hope that ,one day, things will be back the way it used to.
The wind of impossibilities has blown those crumbs away.
I wish, I could be smarter and find the switch to make everything stop.
Another switch to erase everything that goes with it.
Back to plain old numbed sheet of heart.
I wish, it wasn't her that is making you smile now.
Because that was MY job.
I'm still waiting to get it back.
I wish, I didn't feel as dumb as I'm feeling right now.
Because you were the smartest thing that ever happened to me.
The most beautiful one as well.
I wish it didn't hurt this much.
I swear to God, I wish it didn't.
I swear, I really wish it didn't ,Pete.
[ The day I decided to check on my MySpace account and then off to yours - since that's the only "place" where you haven't deleted me from - and one click lead to another, I found : 2 of your Twitter accounts and a new personal blog of yours. And, I think , those were the things inside of my Pandora Box. I suddenly know what you've been up to through all these days of dead communication between us.The eating,the golfing,the hanging out with the friends thing. And ----- the you who is now, in a relationship. Per July 11th 2009. Those words above, aren't even half of what I'm feeling right now,Pete. Probably because, I'm not allowed to feel anything anyway. ]
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Rambling Out of My F!ing Head !
I wish I can be like Brian Kinney from Queer as Folk.
Or Shane from The L Word.
Or Karen Walker from Will & Grace.
* If I feel like being bitter and funny *
I want to be a person that are able to just, NOT care.
Doesn't have that feeling of obligation on being nice to others.
I always ended up being ( just ) a friend.
I mean, just because I'm always there when you need me, doesn't mean that that's the only thing I want !
AH FUCK !
I'm not making any sense.
I'm tired of being seen ONLY as a friend , including by the people that I like.
More,than a friend.
Ok.
It's official, I'm not making any sense.
Or Shane from The L Word.
Or Karen Walker from Will & Grace.
* If I feel like being bitter and funny *
I want to be a person that are able to just, NOT care.
Doesn't have that feeling of obligation on being nice to others.
I always ended up being ( just ) a friend.
I mean, just because I'm always there when you need me, doesn't mean that that's the only thing I want !
AH FUCK !
I'm not making any sense.
I'm tired of being seen ONLY as a friend , including by the people that I like.
More,than a friend.
Ok.
It's official, I'm not making any sense.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
untitled.one
( terlalu malas untuk mencari judul )
Belakangan ini,birahi saya untuk menulis jauh lebih tinggi dibanding kemaren kemaren. Bisa dilihat dari besarnya lubang hidung frekuensi update'an blog ini. Mungkin saya mulai menyadari (lagi) kalau hanya ini media yang bisa menampung pikiran dan perasaan tanpa banyak pertanyaan.
( Ya iyalah,cun ! Macam mana ceritanya blog bisa ngemeng ?! )
Teruusss, sekarang saya punya side job baru. Jadi penulis freelance di majalah lokal punya temen. Yeah, agak KKN sedikit, so sue me,bitch. nyeeehhh.
Artikel pertama saya bakal diterbitin untuk edisi bulan depan !
* bersiap untuk mengadakan tumpengan *
Apalagi ya ?
Oh iya, sedikit cerita personal.
Hari Kamis kemarin,saya merasa diberi kesempatan untuk "membalas" seseorang.
Membalas dalam arti, giving that person my middle finger the way that person did to me years back. Pendendam ? Mungkin. Tapi,sebenernya,saya lebih ke manusia yang simple ; you get what you deserve. Saya bukan nabi apalagi malaikat [ walau tampang saya angelic begini ] yang akan tersenyum saat orang lain memaki, memberikan pipi kanan saat pipi kiri ditampar, and so on and so on.
I'm the sort of person that will slap you harder if you slapped me first.
I'm the sort of person that will make you bleed the way you've never bleed before if that's what you were aiming for from the very beginning.
In other words, I AM HUMAN.
I snapped when people want me to.
Mungkin gambaran singkatnya seperti ini :
anda berada di posisi memberikan perasaan dengan tulus ke seseorang. Lalu seseorang itu membalas dengan memberikan seonggok kotoran manusia a.k.a tahik/tai/tae'/taik, atau dalam bahasa batak, SHIT , ke depan wajah anda.
Sekarang,keadaan berbalik. Dan tahik yang bisa anda sodorkan ke wajahnya itu jauh lebih banyak dan ------ lebih bau.
[ haduh..kenapa harus tahik sih ?! ]
So,you think you can be " best friends " with me just by saying you're sorry and you regret the past ? OUR past ? HAHA.
I'm not THAT nice.
I'm not nice AT ALL ,even.
And guess what,I saw the person today.
Saya cukup menikmati power yang dikasih ke saya untuk ngebuat dia ngerasa BEGO di depan saya. Membuat dia merasa omongan dia selalu terpatahkan oleh omongan saya. Membuat dia merasa kalau SEKARANG --- SAYA lah yang ada di " langit " dan DIA yang sedang menginjak bumi.
MAMPUS !
hahahaha.
Kejam ?
Mungkin.
Buat saya, ini yang namanya karma !
Belakangan ini,birahi saya untuk menulis jauh lebih tinggi dibanding kemaren kemaren. Bisa dilihat dari
( Ya iyalah,cun ! Macam mana ceritanya blog bisa ngemeng ?! )
Teruusss, sekarang saya punya side job baru. Jadi penulis freelance di majalah lokal punya temen. Yeah, agak KKN sedikit, so sue me,bitch. nyeeehhh.
Artikel pertama saya bakal diterbitin untuk edisi bulan depan !
* bersiap untuk mengadakan tumpengan *
Apalagi ya ?
Oh iya, sedikit cerita personal.
Hari Kamis kemarin,saya merasa diberi kesempatan untuk "membalas" seseorang.
Membalas dalam arti, giving that person my middle finger the way that person did to me years back. Pendendam ? Mungkin. Tapi,sebenernya,saya lebih ke manusia yang simple ; you get what you deserve. Saya bukan nabi apalagi malaikat [ walau tampang saya angelic begini ] yang akan tersenyum saat orang lain memaki, memberikan pipi kanan saat pipi kiri ditampar, and so on and so on.
I'm the sort of person that will slap you harder if you slapped me first.
I'm the sort of person that will make you bleed the way you've never bleed before if that's what you were aiming for from the very beginning.
In other words, I AM HUMAN.
I snapped when people want me to.
Mungkin gambaran singkatnya seperti ini :
anda berada di posisi memberikan perasaan dengan tulus ke seseorang. Lalu seseorang itu membalas dengan memberikan seonggok kotoran manusia a.k.a tahik/tai/tae'/taik, atau dalam bahasa batak, SHIT , ke depan wajah anda.
Sekarang,keadaan berbalik. Dan tahik yang bisa anda sodorkan ke wajahnya itu jauh lebih banyak dan ------ lebih bau.
[ haduh..kenapa harus tahik sih ?! ]
So,you think you can be " best friends " with me just by saying you're sorry and you regret the past ? OUR past ? HAHA.
I'm not THAT nice.
I'm not nice AT ALL ,even.
And guess what,I saw the person today.
Saya cukup menikmati power yang dikasih ke saya untuk ngebuat dia ngerasa BEGO di depan saya. Membuat dia merasa omongan dia selalu terpatahkan oleh omongan saya. Membuat dia merasa kalau SEKARANG --- SAYA lah yang ada di " langit " dan DIA yang sedang menginjak bumi.
MAMPUS !
hahahaha.
Kejam ?
Mungkin.
Buat saya, ini yang namanya karma !
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
And...
I miss having hope for something I really want.
The beauty of knowing that there's something - or someone - that's worth hoping for.
The smiles drawn because you know that you got it.
That hope.
I don't know what happened.
Did it just left the bedroom and left me staring at the ceiling ?
What happened to the sweet and captivating words it once said to me ?
Was it all a lie ?
I miss having to care.
The knowledge of knowing that I belong somewhere.
With someone.
Believing in something.
I miss the faith of knowing that everything's going to be alright.
That I can still color the world with my crayons.
Where mornings holds its power just as strong as the night.
And the dawn doesn't scare me anymore.
I miss knowing where to go.
Tired of walking this path of random directions.
I miss having a different ending.
Because I'm tired of the ones with tears in it.
I miss............a lot of things.
The beauty of knowing that there's something - or someone - that's worth hoping for.
The smiles drawn because you know that you got it.
That hope.
I don't know what happened.
Did it just left the bedroom and left me staring at the ceiling ?
What happened to the sweet and captivating words it once said to me ?
Was it all a lie ?
I miss having to care.
The knowledge of knowing that I belong somewhere.
With someone.
Believing in something.
I miss the faith of knowing that everything's going to be alright.
That I can still color the world with my crayons.
Where mornings holds its power just as strong as the night.
And the dawn doesn't scare me anymore.
I miss knowing where to go.
Tired of walking this path of random directions.
I miss having a different ending.
Because I'm tired of the ones with tears in it.
I miss............a lot of things.
Friday, September 4, 2009
What's up,my cherie ?
So.. what's cookin', cookie ?
Me ?
Nothing much.
Thanks for asking.
Lately I've been living -- what some people say -- a static life.
Encountered a couple of dumb people.
The ones that think they could lecture me about things I've already learned by myself.
Shits that I've taken.
One of them even said that I need to see a shrink because that person thinks I'm a bit crazy.
No. REALLY.
HAHA.
Who the fuck are you,man !
Making conclusion(s) about me.
Fuck,I don't even know you,dude.
And as far as I care, I probably will enjoy life better with a little LESS of sanity.
I've also taking steps closer to numb-land.
I just feel so tired of feeling.
Of all sorts.
They're just like a post-it paper.
Post it.
Un-post it.
I miss my imagination.
I wonder where it went.
And,MY GOD, DO I WANT TO PAINT !!
No,no. I ain't no painter,or whatever.
I can't paint shit.
I just like to make believe that I CAN.
I've been crazy over SKINS.
It's a series about a bunch of British teenagers living live as teenagers. BRITISH teens.
I always like British ways of --- everything.
Communicating,sarcasm,cursing.
The series also introduced me a lot of AWESOME tunes.
It's amazing why I never heard (some) of them before.
Why did you think I still love Peter so much ?
Becauseeee the bloody arse is British.
HAHA.
Well, that's one out of many.
Truth is, I have so many things in my head at the moment, but I can't seem to put them all down in words.
Like, letters just don't seem enough anymore.
I MISS READING A GOOD BOOK !!
AND WHY THE FUCK IS DEWI LESTARI'S PERAHU KERTAS ISN'T HERE YET ?!!!
THIS PLACE SUCKS ASS !
OH.. and I'm trying to write again.
HAHA.
Yeap, still trying to fulfill that one dream.
A WRITER.
wish me luck ?
Me ?
Nothing much.
Thanks for asking.
Lately I've been living -- what some people say -- a static life.
Encountered a couple of dumb people.
The ones that think they could lecture me about things I've already learned by myself.
Shits that I've taken.
One of them even said that I need to see a shrink because that person thinks I'm a bit crazy.
No. REALLY.
HAHA.
Who the fuck are you,man !
Making conclusion(s) about me.
Fuck,I don't even know you,dude.
And as far as I care, I probably will enjoy life better with a little LESS of sanity.
I've also taking steps closer to numb-land.
I just feel so tired of feeling.
Of all sorts.
They're just like a post-it paper.
Post it.
Un-post it.
I miss my imagination.
I wonder where it went.
And,MY GOD, DO I WANT TO PAINT !!
No,no. I ain't no painter,or whatever.
I can't paint shit.
I just like to make believe that I CAN.
I've been crazy over SKINS.
It's a series about a bunch of British teenagers living live as teenagers. BRITISH teens.
I always like British ways of --- everything.
Communicating,sarcasm,cursing.
The series also introduced me a lot of AWESOME tunes.
It's amazing why I never heard (some) of them before.
Why did you think I still love Peter so much ?
Becauseeee the bloody arse is British.
HAHA.
Well, that's one out of many.
Truth is, I have so many things in my head at the moment, but I can't seem to put them all down in words.
Like, letters just don't seem enough anymore.
I MISS READING A GOOD BOOK !!
AND WHY THE FUCK IS DEWI LESTARI'S PERAHU KERTAS ISN'T HERE YET ?!!!
THIS PLACE SUCKS ASS !
OH.. and I'm trying to write again.
HAHA.
Yeap, still trying to fulfill that one dream.
A WRITER.
wish me luck ?
Monday, August 31, 2009
Online all the time: Youth & New Media. The impact of social networking and the online world on Indonesian culture
Heard about the competition from Cassey. Thought I'd give it a shot. Don't think my essay is THAT good, but -- hey, it's the effort that counts right ? Thank you Jeannie for proofreading it. And for Kip --- for the help. haha.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Online all the time: Youth & New Media.
The impact of social networking and the online world on Indonesian culture
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Online all the time: Youth & New Media.
The impact of social networking and the online world on Indonesian culture
For me personally, I think it is very difficult to find people nowadays that don’t consider Internet as one of their primary needs,especially the younger generations. Surfing the internet is now probably equal to a glass of water : you’d have to have it every day and one glass is never enough. Supported with the many ways to get connected,people can easily browse through their cell phones,anytime,anywhere ; not to mention the growth of social networking websites. Friendster,Myspace,Hi5,Bebo,Tagged and now , Facebook and Twitter. Cyberspace is an addiction with no cure.
Yes,of course, the Internet helps them to gather new information about a lot of things. And yes,we’re catching up with other developing countries. But the thing is, the modernization slowly washes the traditional and cultural curiosity.
Yeah ,sure they know about the latest online game or the newest gadget that’s on the store , but do they still remember their traditional language , songs and rituals ? And wouldn’t it be easier to point the finger to technology, internet and blame them? But it’s not really all their fault. Like everything else in life, if is used wisely, online can give just the right amount of advantages.
Society is also responsible for the lack of tradition and cultural knowledge amongst kids these days. Turning their heads away when children don’t go out as much as they need to. When they’re becoming to attach to their gadgets. Texting while doing everything else, updating statuses once every five minutes. Basically making and letting electronic devices as something that they cannot live without and slowly shutting down from the real world. Not criticizing when they don’t want to go to any traditional occasions. Keeping their ignorance and thinking it’s better to just let them be that way. And approving their instant gratification that substitutes the art of waiting and personal communication,considering it as part of being today’s youth. When it doesn’t really have to be that way. Look around you, look at yourself, has the impact grown too much to be changed now ?
So when it comes to talk about the impact of social networking and the online world on Indonesian culture, if used appropriately, there aren’t any negative effects that we should worry about. The internet helps us to get more information and easier. The social networking websites can actually help us to widen the social networking that we need. The problem is, there should also be a bridge between: which is society. And hopefully, that bridge will help balance both sides: the modern and traditional sides.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Hey Aussie Boy !
Hey,Aussie boy !
How about that coffee ?
It's been a week !
Yeah, I was being a chicken when I avoided you yesterday.
I just wasn't prepared yet.
My knees got weak and my heart was pounding so fast.
[ Oh Jesus ! I sound like a 13 year old ]
I know you have a girlfriend back in Aussie ( or at least that's what Jeannie told me ), but I thought I was worth the chance ! I already showed you that I want that chance.
Did I do something wrong ?
Took the wrong step ?
* sigh *
You just tickled my curiosity.
And my interest.
God, how I wish I did the same to you.
But I probably didn't.
Oh well...
It was nice to know you,Aussie boy.
And to be the fair witness of your beautiful smile,mate !
:)
:)
:)
How about that coffee ?
It's been a week !
Yeah, I was being a chicken when I avoided you yesterday.
I just wasn't prepared yet.
My knees got weak and my heart was pounding so fast.
[ Oh Jesus ! I sound like a 13 year old ]
I know you have a girlfriend back in Aussie ( or at least that's what Jeannie told me ), but I thought I was worth the chance ! I already showed you that I want that chance.
Did I do something wrong ?
Took the wrong step ?
* sigh *
You just tickled my curiosity.
And my interest.
God, how I wish I did the same to you.
But I probably didn't.
Oh well...
It was nice to know you,Aussie boy.
And to be the fair witness of your beautiful smile,mate !
:)
:)
:)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
